Do you struggle over what the Lord's will is for you? Not very long ago, I found myself arguing with God, bargaining, pleading, because I did not know why or what He required of me.
"So what is Your will for me now, Lord?" I said bitterly.
It was a few years ago when my son became gravely ill from a massive heart attack.
I blamed myself, his personal physicians, my family, and, of course, God.
It was a situation that could not be medically or surgically resolved. He would live his life as a cardiac cripple with one arm. He had contracted septicemia while being hospitalized for the heart attack, and the blood infection was ravaging his system. His arm would need to be amputated (under local anesthesia) in order to survive the infection.
Due to his severely damaged heart muscle, they predicted he would not live beyond the age of thirty-five. A few months before, he had celebrated his thirty-fourth birthday.
I left him at the hospital that night. He was planning to discharge himself AMA, but I told him to sleep on it.
Alone at home, I was inconsolable.
"Why, Lord, why? If it is Your will to take my son from me, then do it tonight! Please do not let this young man suffer."
My fists banged the walls, and yelling sobs were heard by concerned neighbors outside my door.
When I woke up early the following morning, my thoughts were on the Lord, and not on my son.
I was reminded that He who taught us this prayer, "Thy will be done," suffered anguish and physical pain beyond our finite imaginations. His bloody sweat covered His face as prayed to the Father, "Nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will."
Within a month my son passed away, not from the septicemia or his weak heart, although in a short time he would have died from either.
No, my son took his own life.
Am I convinced he prayed to the Lord before he made his decision?
Am I assured that the Lord forgives him?
Yes, and absolutely.
The coroner told me he had been dead for several days.
One of the local officers gave me what they found in his tight grip. He had kept this on his nightstand.
"When we are called to suffer bereavements personally, or when...we see our best men taken away, let us know that it is well, and say most sincerely,
'The will of the Lord be done.' " Charles Spurgeon